Dear Raquel,

I hope this finds you in good health. You’ve remained in my best wishes and hopes. I want to quickly say that if I don’t talk to you again by the 30th, I wish you an amazing birthday. I want to clarify that by giving you this letter (the method of which I have yet to decide) I have no clear intent or goal. I simply want you to read these words. Truth value is up to you to interpret. Though, I can assure you every claim and feeling I posit is genuine and is made with the furthest extent of my knowledge and awareness.

Firstly, I love you. And I miss you. These past few days have been extremely difficult to navigate. There’s a massive hole in my heart where, once, you fit perfectly into. I’ve wept gallons of tears behind closed doors and to my loved ones. There’s no greater yearning in the universe that’s been done which surpasses the past few days. I’ll probably ramble later on about it more.

I just think I’m confused. I completely understand what has happened between us in the past, but hearing that you hated me so bluntly has been hurting me. I wanted to believe you that you just didn’t want to be in the relationship, as you said, but why does that warrant hating me “so much”? That’s just why it’s difficult for me to fully grasp the nature of how it could’ve unfolded. Sunday morning has replayed in my mind over and over and still I’m just so confused. I’m so split. I don’t know if I want closure, if I want a discussion, if I want to try again, I don’t know. You know me, and you know that if you ever opened your arms again I’d run right back, but I don’t know if it’s good for me. Blocking you was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, and I know it’s only been a few days but I’m unsure if it was the right choice. I wish we could’ve talked. I wish I could’ve gone back in time and waited until your response to why you hated me. I wish for a lot of things. I think through anything, in any world where I don’t have you I’d always wish for you back. I’m trying to mature and I’m trying to heal and I’m trying to figure everything out and all of these different things. Deep down, though, my answer was and will always be you.

I’m trying to imagine a future without you but it’s hard. I’ve been talking to my loved ones about it, nothing extensively personal. We really had everything mapped out. College life, children, career, housing, everything. We had similar political views, goals, preferences, I could just continue listing things. I just can’t imagine anyone more perfect than you. I think what I wanted more than anything was just to follow in your footsteps because it was comforting. I found it easy asking you questions and just being generally unaware. You never judged me for not knowing something or being confused.

I fear that I’ll never get another conversation or perhaps even a word from you so I want to ensure that this fully encapsulates all of the different ideas and emotions I need to convey.

On the day that I lost you it felt like the world was ending. I didn’t talk to anyone beside my mom for multiple days. I truly started thinking about how closely you’d crept into the deepest parts of my life and it made me so sad. My mom was washing my sheets and she brought up a random “pink stain” and I was so confused. I realized it was from your hair dye and my heart anchored to my stomach. It’s those little things that I think have been eating away at me.

I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping at night and finding comfort within myself. The day of, I cleaned my room and I put a lot of “your” stuff in my dresser. That night, I seriously couldn’t even get comfortable, and I had to pull Waffle back out and put him on the opposite side of the bed. I was desperate to the point where I wondered if he still even smelt like you. On this topic, I still have a lot of your stuff. I haven’t thrown anything away, I definitely don’t have the courage, but I just don’t think I even want to yet. Off the top of my head, I still have your belly button piercing, some hair ties, bobby pins, etc. I can bring any or all of it to you, no-contact if you wish.

I’m trying to act realistically, so again, I’m going to treat this like it’s my last ever collection of words to you. I hope, Raquel, that you never lower the bar. I know you don’t need me to tell you, but you are the most beautiful, intelligent, witty, brave, funny, kind, generous, and jaw-dropping woman I’ve ever had the opportunity to meet. There’s not any part of you that I don’t believe is perfect, and I’m so wildly in love with every last bit of you. I ask that you never lower the bar because I don’t want our relationship to make you feel like you should ever receive or deserve less than you expect. I suppose on this topic I want to apologize. I brought this up in one of our recent serious conversations, but I’m sorry that I had gotten lazy as a partner. I didn’t have much time after the initial time I brought it up to make things up to you, but I should’ve worked harder regardless. For that I’m sorry. I should have gotten you more flowers, I should have taken you out to dinner more, I should have been more creative with our dates. There’s so much I wish I could change. Usually, I’d say something like I don’t want this letter to be too much of this or that, but this time I’m just going to list everything.

I have so many extremely difficult regrets. All of the horrible things I said to you on those nights make me sick to my stomach. All of the times I was an ignorant partner, I was stingy, I was annoying, everything. I do regret blocking you. Wholeheartedly. The more I type this out the more I believe it. I’m wishing now that this could’ve been a conversation rather than a desperate plea/confession. I wish I was better at using my words in the moment and didn’t have to always rely on my words on a page or typed on a google doc after the damage has been done. I feel so thoroughly and entirely foolish. I miss you so much Raquel. Like, I genuinely struggle to put into words how much I’ve been aching for you. Your words, your presence, your voice, your everything.

I truly and wholeheartedly wish that all of your future endeavors go according to the beat of your heart. I wish I could’ve been with you to help you move in along with all of those college things that sound extensively stressful. Regardless, I hope the entire process goes well. I fully believe in you that everything will go according to your plan. However I end up over here I’ll still be wondering what you’re up to and how you’re doing. I’ll be thinking about the rhetoric class you really didn’t wanna take, and I’ll be wondering if you ended up trying Cheese Board. I’ll be wishing I was riding the train to see you every other weekend. I really would have, too. I’m sorry if I ever made it seem like I didn’t want to visit you, or if I ever made any part of it seem too hard to navigate. I would’ve done absolutely anything to still be your boyfriend and navigate long distance with you. I still would.

I’ll be imagining you graduating with your degree, walking across that stage. I’m going to be so happy for you, seriously. I’ve seen the effort you’ve put in firsthand and I’m so proud of you for everything thus far. I’ll be imagining you applying for grad school, and navigating all of the stressful stuff that comes with that. I’ll wonder whether you decided on getting your JD or if you changed your mind about getting your PhD. Either way, I’ll know it’ll work out for you. At this point, I’ll wonder if your career is on track, if you’ve found someone else, if you’ve moved away, etc. Either way I trust that you’ll be okay and things will be good for you.

But, man, I’m really trying to keep this as least emotional and as mature as possible but this is so hard for me. I mean, I can hardly think about any of these things without feeling a knot in my stomach. I don’t want to watch any of these things from the sideline. I don’t want to just be a lesson in your life, and I don’t want to be someone you view with animosity. I know your past, and I don’t want to be that person for you, you know? I want to be better and I want to be more. I don’t want to be a finished chapter. I’m selfish, I know I am. And I’m so entirely stupid and immature. I understand that completely. Even still, I still live in your world. I view the world around me in your color. Everywhere I go I find pieces of you. Good lord, I miss you so much.

If it’s the last thing I tell you, I love you. I love you so desperately that I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been so lost and misguided without you to show me the way. I don’t believe the “in another universe” belief, I want you so badly in this universe that I’m willing to do whatever it takes.

I want to thank you. Thank you for redefining my perception of love. Thank you for sticking with me through really difficult times. Thank you for showing me what it feels like to really be comfortable with someone. Thank you for letting me meet your family. Thank you for letting me be your boyfriend. There’s so much more that I wish I could thank you for with more than words on a screen. Our relationship has taught me so much and I made so many amazing memories with you. You were more than my girlfriend, you were my best friend. If I could go back and relive our time together I would. So many times. Lord, I can't describe how much I’m going to miss you. I must confess that, and you likely know, that I’m so weak without you. I plead so often like a lost lamb when I’m not with you to ground me in reality.

This is my last act of love. I’ll leave you alone, as that’s what I’m guessing you wish of me. Though, please know that I still love you. I still yearn for you. I still ache for you. I want and I need you so desperately. I’ll leave you alone, but that doesn’t mean I want you to leave me alone. I’m sorry that I have your number blocked, I felt extremely overwhelmed. I deactivated most of my socials, too. I’ll leave you alone, but I want you to find me. I want you to know me again. I want us to be one. I’ll leave you alone, but I want to talk to you. I want to see you and I want to know you. I know I’ve distanced myself, but you know where to find me. We still have time before you leave. I’ll leave you alone, but please, and I mean please ten times over, find me somewhere at sometime, and just talk to me. I’ll leave you alone, but remember that I will always love you no matter what.

Sincerely,
Ayden